From an early stage in a career as a first responder, you learn that life can become very complicated. It's almost as if we live in two separate worlds, home and work. As a result of this duality, we can become two different people, in a manner of speaking.
Having a double life can be challenging. Our two separate realities sometimes can bleed into one another. We bring things from home into our work life, and we carry things from work back home with us that are better off left behind. The key to a successful existence is balance. Maintaining a strong work/life balance is critical to keeping yourself happy and productive, and it is just as important to the well-being of those who are around you.
Picture your life as a seesaw for a moment, if you will. On one side of the seesaw is your work life and all of the stress, drama and experiences that go along with it. On the other side is the version of you that goes home to your friends and family, with that environment’s own set of challenges and rewards. Our daily struggle is keeping that metaphorical seesaw perfectly balanced, with neither side outweighing the other.
The reality is that this is next to impossible. There always will be one side of the seesaw that is heavier than the other. Sometimes things in our home life begin to pile up and throw us of balance. At other times, it is our work environment that tips the scale in an unsustainable direction.
So how do we get it back to a more manageable place? How do we get the seesaw parallel to the ground again? After 12 years in the military and just as many years in the fire service, through trial and error, I figured out a system that works for me (most of the time).
Eliminate the negative
In my experience, the factors that take place in our life that seem to throw things out of alignment are the negative ones. Yes, positive experiences can affect our overall quality of life, but they never quite seem as noticeable as the negative ones. Take for instance someone that reads Yelp reviews. There can be 20 good reviews about something, but all it takes is that single 1-star review to make that individual want to take his/her business elsewhere.
It's human nature to sometimes focus on the negative aspects of life more intently than the positive. The key to a well-balanced lifestyle is recognizing this instinctual flaw in yourself and training your mind to compensate for it.
The system that will help to guide you down the path to a better mindset consists of a few key elements. These critical factors apply to both work and home, with a few minor adjustments as needed.
Communication
Good communication is the foundation of any successful operation, yet there is a stigma that surrounds fire service members—men and women—that paints us as “tough guys,” and we all know tough guys never share their feelings. However, if we don’t share our feelings, how can we expect the people who are in our life to understand what it takes to form meaningful relationships with us? You need to let the people who are in both areas of your life not only know what is expected of them but also what they can expect from you.
If you aren’t comfortable sharing with your spouse or significant other all of the gory details of an incident that you worked the night before, communicate that. Don’t keep things bottled up. This only leads to more stress and more unbalance.
Also, always remember that you aren’t alone. When all else fails, seek out help, whether personal or professional, and talk about what you are going through. Having a support system can really make a difference.
My wife is a great communicator is always is the first to recognize when something isn’t right with me. Recently, the stress of trying to finish my college degree at home, coupled with some bad experiences at work, was negatively affecting my overall mind set. I didn’t even realize that this was happening until she communicated it to me. The more that I found myself opening up to her about what was going on—even though I was totally outside of my comfort zone—the more that I began to feel that a weight was being lifted off my shoulders.
Self-control
I know that sometimes it can feel as if life is getting out of hand and you have no control over anything. I have been there, but this isn’t true. At the end of the day, the only person who is responsible for the situation that you are in is you. You are at the helm, steering your life toward the future. Stop blaming others for your problems and get to work creating solutions.
Avoid people who are around you who always complain and never have anything good to say, and seek out those who can be uplifting and bring out the best in you.
Stop stressing about the things that you can’t control and start putting that passion into the things that you can control.
As mentioned above, negative experiences seem to outweigh the positive ones. When you have a negative experience that you just can’t seem to shake, tip the scales back in your favor by creating two or three positive ones. You have that power, and no one can take it away from you except you.
Learning self-control has been a difficult challenge for me at times. In the past, I found myself turning to alcohol more and more often to numb the feelings that I was having. During my time off, I would find myself drinking, by myself, for no good reason.
Once again, my wife was the person who pointed this out and helped to show me that it wasn’t solving anything. In fact, it only added to my burdens. With a lot of struggling and self-control, I was able to make an agreement with her to not behave in this manner anymore. To this day, I have managed to keep alcohol out of the house, to avoid the temptation.
Setting goals
If you don’t set goals for yourself, how can you ever achieve anything? Accomplishing a goal that you set for yourself is the easiest way to load yourself with positive experiences. A personal goal can be something as easy as avoiding unhealthy foods or as difficult as getting a college degree. The more challenging the goal, the more rewarding the sense of accomplishment.
You also can set goals that involve your coworkers or family members. Accomplishing a goal as a team can lead to stronger connections and more rewarding relationships.
My own personal goal for 2020 is to run 1,000 km. Every time that I go for a jog, I track my distance and subtract it from 1,000. Watching that number get smaller every week is like my own personal victory. When I feel angry or stressed, I have learned to channel that aggression into motivation to go out and run, transforming a negative into a positive.
Setting goals also can help you to be prepared for the future. You have to try to look ahead and be able to anticipate any challenges that potentially can get in your way down the road. These challenges can be financial, social or professional. Nobody likes surprises. Take for instance an unexpected medical bill. The person who sets a little bit aside from each paycheck every month will be much better prepared to handle that than the one who blows 100 percent of his/her income every month on nonessentials.
As a first responder, you know that you are going to face challenges in your life that the average person doesn’t understand. Talk to your friends, family and coworkers about how they deal with things, and have your own plan in place when things go sideways.
Being a first responder in Louisiana, being unprepared for the future really can take a devastating toll on your life. We live in hurricane alley, and every time that a storm forms in the Gulf of Mexico, our department is on standby, prepared to possibly go to work for days at a time. It is imperative that we make a game plan for our loved ones to find safety in these situations without us being present. Imagine working for days straight without being able to call your spouse, because the phone lines are down. Now imagine this scenario knowing that you and your spouse didn’t have a preformulated plan of action.
Be proactive and learn to anticipate and prepare for obstacles before they find you.
To be successful, you must have priorities. There comes a time in everyone’s life when things begin to pile up, and it can seem overwhelming. There just is too much to do and not enough time to do it all. This can be exponentially stressful for a first responder because of the nature of the job, the lack of sleep, and the high-risk situations that we encounter. You must take a step back and look at the big picture. Out of all of the things that you have going on at a given time, what is the most important? Dive into this task headfirst and give it your utmost attention until it is complete. How many times do you find yourself fooling around with something that really isn’t that important, when you have something else that you really should be focused on?
Stop procrastinating, and once you remove this item from your plate, reward yourself: Go take a nap or read a book or whatever. You earned it.
Having interests outside of work will increase and improve your skills and make you a more rounded and interesting individual.
Flexible, organized, realistic
It is important to note that priorities can shift at any given time. A situation can arise that is more critical than whatever you're currently working on. You have to be able to recognize when this happens and shift gears, as necessary.
Also, as a professional, you must be organized. Each day presents its own unique challenges and opportunities, but you must find ways to make your day more efficient and productive if you want to leave work at work.
Personally speaking, nothing seems to stress me out and impede my progress more than a cluttered, unorganized workspace. However, being organized doesn’t refer only to physical objects. You must organize your thoughts and activities. How many times did you set out to complete a task and end up doing something completely different, and what you really needed to accomplish was neglected?
In this vein, I find myself grocery shopping weekly and leaving with a cart full of things that I don’t need, while I forget the one thing that I went to the store for in the first place. Taking a small amount of time to write down and organize your goals, priorities (in order) and needs can save you a huge amount of time in the long run.
Finally, be realistic. This applies to every aspect of the system and in every other corner of your life. For instance, when setting goals, you must ensure that they are achievable. It does no good to set goals that you are unable to accomplish. In fact, that can be retroactive in your quest to attain balance.
When communicating, don’t set yourself up for failure. It can be detrimental to your relationships when you say and do things that are untrue or unrealistic. When you say that you are going to do something, do it. When others see that you are reliable, they will be more capable of reciprocating the gesture. The best way to influence others to live up to your expectations is to live up to them yourself. In other words, lead by example.
When attempting to gain more control of your situations, avoid the ones that you know that you can’t positively influence. Seek out and create situations that you can grab on to and make the most of them.
I had the privilege of participating in the Pensacola Firefighter Challenge in 2019. I knew going into it that I wasn’t the fastest or strongest firefighter that was going to be there and that the chances of my team winning were slim. However, we managed to go out and give it our all and have a good time in the process. We didn’t bring home any trophies, but I found the journey to be much more satisfying then the destination.
Find your own
Every individual must have his/her own unique system for maintaining a work-life balance. If you work on the elements that are described above, you will be well on your way down the path to success.
As a first responder, we knew when we signed up that things always weren’t going to be easy. To an extent, we thrive on chaos. Learn to harness that chaos and to make it work for you, not against you.
