As many of you head for Firehouse Expo 2005 in Baltimore this month, some of your co-workers will not be in attendance. In my imagination, I see them traveling to another conference, one that unfortunately too many paramedics seem to attend. I call it “The Awful-Paramedic Conference.”
I imagine what the brochure that would advertise such an event would contain. Some of the sessions look quite interesting. Here are some of the classes that I imagine would be offered at such a conference:
- “War Stories and More.” You’re still talking about that rescue call from five years ago. Everybody’s heard it – and heard it and heard it. Now it’s time to juice it up a little more. This session provides the war-story teller with new powerful adjectives, like “grisly,” “ghastly,” “macabre” and “gruesome,” that make any war story mesmerizing to your audience. Prepare for your co-workers to be riveted to their seats when you tell the same story for the thousandth time.
“Talking Patients Out of Going to the Hospital.” Who needs x-ray machines, blood and urine analysis, or medical opinions from a physician? You can make a diagnosis right in the field. One quick blood pressure, a little bit of medical history and you’re ready to tell any patient there’s no need to go to the hospital. This session provides the top 10 lines you can use to convince any patient not to go to the hospital, including, “They’re going to charge you $500 for the ambulance ride,” “You’re just going to sit in the waiting room for six hours” and “Take some antacids and aspirin, that should clear it up.” To you, “ABCs” means “automobile, bus, cab.”
“The Art of Making Relief.” Why show up for your shift early? You won’t get paid for it! This session provides you with all the time-management tools you’ll need to time it so that you relieve the other shift one minute before shift change. Procrastination is your creed.
“The Ins and Outs of Staying Out of Service at the Hospital.” It’s busy out there. Calls are stacking up and response times are getting longer. Is it time to get back in service? Heck no! This session is designed to provide you with all the excuses and explanations why you need to stay out of service at the hospital longer than you should. Relationship building with nurses who can assist you with prolonged stays at the hospital is also included in this session.
“Customer Service Is for the Weak.” This session helps you to practice rude, snide and unflattering comments that you can make to any patient, family member or bystander. Customer service is something that is practiced at McDonald’s, not the fire service. Yelling at patients in this interactive class will also be practiced.
“You Are God!” You can’t make the blind see or the lame walk, but you’re the closest we got in the last 2000 years to a Messiah. This session reinforces all your beliefs and confirms your hunches that you are a ParaGod. Ego building, self-admiration in the mirror and confirmation that you are immortal are all part of this session. Each person leaving the session will be given a new patch with the word “paramedic” scratched out and “ParaGod” in its place.
“Patient Care Report Writing at Its Best.” Why waste ink? The less you write, the better. The session demonstrates the essentials of writing the bare minimum on each patient care report. Forget about documentation; it wastes time and you’ve got to meet that new nurse you just spotted in the emergency room. Blank is your patient care report, not your mind.
“Forget Those Basics.” You’ve moved up! You have a brand-new paramedic license in your pocket and now it is time to take it for a spin. Forget the basics – that is what the EMT is for. Airway, breathing, circulation and patient assessments are things you don’t have to worry about anymore. This session shows you how to skip over those basic EMT procedures and jump right into advanced procedures. Patient not breathing? Don’t worry, you’ve got to get an IV in.
“Dress for Unsuccess.” You wore that uniform shirt yesterday when you changed the oil on your car, mowed the lawn and trimmed the hedges. Wear it proudly, it has your fire department name on it. This session demonstrates what well-dressed paramedics are wearing – wrinkled pants, egg-stained shirts and that just-rolled-out-of-bed look. Deodorant is optional in this class.
“Randy Rescue to the Rescue.” You have the latest scanner, three pagers, a radio, a handcuff case, a cell phone, a multi-purpose tool, trauma shears, a penlight with enough candle power to replace a tanning bed, a seatbelt cutter, a pouch for latex and nitrile gloves, a flashlight, a stethoscope around your neck, plus more – all on your belt! You got more on your belt than Batman. You’re ready to handle anything! This session covers the latest accessories coming to market for your belt that would make any Navy SEAL sink to the bottom of a river.
“Seconds Count.” You always dreamed of driving at Daytona or Talladega. Your dream has come true and they have even given you lights and sirens to clear the path. Going around curves on two wheels and hitting speeds close to 100 mph on straight-aways are moments you live for. This session demonstrates the value of driving as fast as you can. Seconds do count and your patients are counting on you. When you’re done, they’ll have to rewrite the NFPA 1710 standard.
“The Ambulance – Treasure or Trash?” Leaving your ambulance trashed is an art. Not just any paramedic can do it. Filled wastebaskets, little or no supplies, low gasoline, dirty floors and walls, missing drugs and empty oxygen bottles are just some of the ways you can trash an ambulance. This session provides the finer ways of making that trashed ambulance even trashier.
While this column is designed to be facetious, these made-up sessions reflect true-to-life work habits and attitudes of a few firefighter/paramedics. Unfortunately, these people can give a department a bad name, harm a patient, or hurt themselves or others. I certainly hope you do not plan on attending “The Awful-Paramedic Conference.”
Gary Ludwig will present “The Principles of Penetrating Trauma Management” and “What Fire Service EMS Will Look Like in 2020” at Firehouse Expo 2005, July 26-31 in Baltimore.Gary Ludwig, MS, EMT-P, a Firehouse® contributing editor, is deputy fire chief of the Memphis, TN, Fire Department. He has 28 years of fire-rescue service experience, and previously served 25 years with the City of St. Louis, retiring as the chief paramedic from the St. Louis Fire Department. Ludwig is vice chairman of the EMS Section of the International Association of Fire Chiefs (IAFC), has a master’s degree in business and management, and is a licensed paramedic. He is a frequent speaker at EMS and fire conferences nationally and internationally. He can be reached through his website at www.garyludwig.com.
