May 5, 2014 was a day that changed my life and the lives of my family forever. I didn’t realize that this would be such a significant day until months later, however I am very thankful to be alive. That B-shift morning started like most others on Engine 8, a nice, sunny, spring morning, riding a couple of routine calls before lunch. My engineer and I were the only two normally assigned that day, the other two were just filling in and those two strong firefighters played a vital role in my survival that day.
We had just finished lunch, still sitting at the table when a residential structure fire was dispatched on the far end of our assigned territory. Three engines, two ladders and one battalion chief were initially dispatched. A neighbor reported a fire in the basement with smoke showing. Our heavy rescue and an additional battalion chief were added to the call when a working fire was indicated.
On arrival
Engine 10 arrived on scene first, laid a supply line, gave a size-up, assumed command, and deployed a 1¾-inch hoseline for fire attack. Ladder 10 arrived simultaneously and assumed the role of ventilation. Our company arrived within seconds of Station 10 and were assigned to search and rescue.
My personal size-up was moderate smoke showing from the attic and eaves of a single-story residential structure with a basement. Engine 8 personnel departed with hand tools and a thermal imaging camera (TIC) while our engineer assisted Engine 10 with establishing a water supply. While we were approaching the structure, I had decided our search plan was to enter Division 1 to search above the fire for any viable life. I observed a company forcing the Division A door, which I assumed was Ladder 10 taking the role of a split assignments for ventilation and forcible entry. At this point I was under the assumption that fire attack was advancing on the fire via a Division C basement door.
We made entry through the front door with me leading the way, scanning with the TIC and sounding the floor as we went. Smoke was banked to about two feet off the floor. In a matter of seconds we completed a search of the hallway and living room. I observed a crew with an attack line behind us and after communicating with them they advised the fire was on Division 1 and they were attempting to locate it. Now thinking the fire was on Division 1, I requested vertical ventilation to improve conditions. We continued to search, but no fire conditions were found and I advised command we had an all clear with a personal accountability report (PAR).
We were heading out of the structure when it was communicated by ventilation that the fire was in the basement on the Division C/D side. I located the door to the basement and with the attack line being on Division 1, their quickest option was to descend these stairs to the basement. I advised fire attack in a face-to-face to manage the door for me while I sounded the stairs for them. It was never my intention to descend into the basement, just to sound the stairs for fire attack since they were without hand tools.
Egress closed
I took approximately three to four steps down, finding the stairs were intact at which point I turned around to exit and found the door to find my egress closed. I later learned that command had ordered an evacuation from the structure, but I didn’t hear it transmitted. When the crews exited the structure, they thought everyone was together. With the two crews evacuating it should have been six personnel, however, I was missing.
Once I found the door closed, I could hear Engine 10 on the other side of the door. Only needing the door opened I immediately transmitted over the radio, "they had closed the door on me and I needed it opened." This was after several failed attempts with my radio receiving a busy tone when trying to transmit. The door was inward swinging and had no knob or way for me to open the door. I purposely didn’t call a mayday at first because personnel were on the other side of the door and I needed to immediately relay my message. If I realized they were outside the structure, I would have most certainly called a mayday, even though command was already aware of all my information hearing my transmission.
Command immediately contacted Engine 10 confirming they received my request and they advised they had cleared the structure, but three personnel (Engine 10's captain and two firefighters from Engine 8) were re-entering to locate me. At the same time, Ladder 52 and Rescue 5 were making entry through the Division C basement door to locate the stairs. Engine 52 was then assigned as a secondary rapid intervention crew.
Twice I came back on the radio “You have to hurry, I am burning up!" I contemplated breaching the wall but I knew from our search that I was between a bathroom and kitchen, which would make it extremely difficult if not impossible to breach. Also my hook was four-foot long making it difficult to breach in a three-foot-wide stairway. I began beating my hook against the door to make noise for the search crew. It never even crossed my mind to activate my PASS alarm but my beating on the door is what led the search crew to me.
I knew that the door would not open in the conventional way, however, I also never attempted to put my hand under the door to open in which I found wasn’t an option because of the fire. At this point visibility was zero, my TIC was whiting out due to the high heat conditions, the air in my cylinder had become heat saturated making it hot to breathe and I felt as if I was being stung by a million yellow jackets. The ceiling overhead stayed intact the entire duration, making my position like a chimney with a cap over it. I knew my only other option was to go downstairs into the basement, which I didn’t want to do. I couldn’t take more of the beating where I was.
Crew opens the door
I could hear the rescue crew coming down the hallway, the door swung open and two hands grabbed a hold of me. We immediately began heading out under extreme heat conditions. I advised command that they had reached me and that we were exiting the structure. Command immediately called for an evacuation and PAR of all crews prior to defensive operations. While the four of us exited the structure I noticed one crew member off to the right appeared disoriented. I was able to grab a hold of him and pull him back with us. While discussing the fire with him sometime later he explained to me that he had become turned around and separated from us. All he could see was a big plate glass window that he wanted to breach due to the extreme heat and he was afraid the fire would flash on the rest of us if he did so. This encounter only lasted only a few seconds, but felt like a lifetime to him.
I cannot explain the feeling of relief and pure adrenaline I was experiencing when I was safely outside and able to breathe fresh air. Fellow firefighters brought me water and helped me to dress down from my ensemble. I was taken to EMS, which found my vital signs extremely elevated. I didn’t have any pain or blisters at this time, just extremely red skin, like sun burn. I sat out in rehab until my vitals fell in normal limits and declined any treatment or transport.
I returned to my crew to conduct overhaul operations and looked at the interior layout. After completing overhaul, we dressed down again and I found blisters on my wrists with more forming. I didn’t want to report it to command, but knew the policy and was required to do so. EMS arrived and re-evaluated my vitals which were still elevated somewhat and my entire upper body was blood red. I declined transport but had to report to urgent care for treatment. Once evaluated at urgent care it was determined that I had second degree burns on both wrists and forearms, with first degree burns on my upper torso. I was given care instructions, medications and sent home until further notice. After a week, I was able to report to light duty until I could return to full duty.
Returning to work
After returning to work everything returned to normal, or so I thought. That was, until my mental close call hit me out of nowhere. You see, prior to this event I had no knowledge or education for dealing with mental health personal care, signs/symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in my prior 16 years as a firefighter. I began having trouble sleeping, re-experiencing the fire, nightmares, feeling detached from everyone but my children, feeling depressed and very emotional. I would later understand these all to be signs of PTSD.
On the night of May 27, 2014, I self-medicated with alcohol to suppress my feelings. I was tired of being alone and missed my children. I was divorced from their mother, so I headed to a friend’s house. Due to this poor emotional, alcohol-influenced decision I was pulled over and charged with driving under the influence. The police officer and police department were very nice, compassionate, and respectful. I was released with a written promise to appear in court.
Emotions, PTSD take over
I didn’t recognize or realize the gradual onset of feelings and emotions. Through the education I have received since that time, I realize my emotional distress during that period. I wasn’t thinking clearly, self-medicating to cope. I realized I needed some help and made an employee assistance program (EAP) appointment for PTSD assistance. The downfall to many EAP resources are that they are not experienced in dealing with emergency responders. The makeup and reaction we have is different than that of the general public. This was the case with my encounter, with no fault to this doctor; the experience was just not there.
Subsequently, following this assistance I made an appointment with a local outpatient treatment center for counseling. I was placed in a 40-hour intensive outpatient program, receiving treatment and coping skills, which has assisted me in living a normal life. Following this counseling I began taking classes on critical incident training, suicide prevention, substance abuse prevention to better assist myself and emergency services. While attending these courses, I found that I needed more assistance with my PTSD and to ensure I had all the needed tools to keep my alcoholism under control.
I searched for months, trying to find a treatment facility geared towards emergency responders and finally decided on one in Westminster, MA. I attended an in-patient treatment facility for nine days at the On-Site Academy, which is solely for emergency responders and military personnel suffering from various forms of critical incident stress and/or substance abuse. A participant can stay as long as they feel unable to thrive at home. While in the program, various activities are provided including but limited to: anger management, group discussions, Alcoholics Anonymous, group cooking, massages, debriefings, one-on-one counseling and Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR). While in the academy, a participant has downtime to do as they wish, even leave the house for outside activities.
The stigma surrounding our mental well-being in the fire service must change as well as the common acceptance of alcohol among first responders as a coping tool. We train to prepare for when an emergency occurs in order to have the necessary skills and be physically prepared; however, we must do the same mentally. This is why I am standing up to share my story, to at least make a dent in this stigma and to show that it is ok to say you’re not ok! We must be able to recognize the warning signs of substance abuse, critical incident stress and risks for suicide in ourselves and our co-workers.
Lessons Learned:
- Everyone has a breaking point! This close call was mine, along with some other critical incidents prior to this accumulating. The key is pre-education, giving emergency responders the tools to recognize signs and resources to handle those signs prior to reaching a breaking point. Prior to this experience, I had no training in responder mental health nor was I aware of any resources available, other than employee assistance programs. Also, to all officers, you are responsible for your personnel, including their mental health. Keep track of your folks and check in with them as needed.
- I didn't (and most are the same) have a true understanding of myself and the reactions I could have to a critical incident until I experienced it. It's impossible to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, unless you have experienced it. Everyone is affected differently.
- Remember what isn't a significant event to you may be to someone else.
- Alcohol used as a coping tool, only masks the issues and can intensively increase your distress.
- One responder may respond positively to immediate discussions following a critical incident (such as a debriefing/defusing), but some may not be ready to talk until sometime later. A person is not going to talk until they are ready. However, they need know that others are there for them and the resources are available.
- Mayday training must be mandatory for all members of the fire service. I have extensive training in mayday, self-survival and RIC, have been teaching it across the state for many years. However, I never activated my PASS device, never thought to, even after all my training. This life-saving procedure must be ingrained in your head. The noise from my hook against the door assisted the rescuers in locating me. You never know how you will react to a situation until you are in it.
- Never assume. Assuming can get you in trouble. I made a couple of assumptions during the fire that proved false. Just remember, everyone in the fire service doesn't have the same level of knowledge, training, experience and terminology.
